Pulse Conference - Morning Session & Excellence vs. Perfectionism
This past semester, I feel that God have been slowly unleashing and bringing attention to the creative/artistic side of me. In the morning session, Tim Mackie gave a talk on the topic of “tension”, and at the end of the talk, he had us reflect on the following.
What are the places if tension in your life right now?
- In your relationship
- In your creative work
- in your spiritual journey
Could God be using that tension to push you toward a new growth and creativity?
I started thinking, and processing, and I first started asking myself, what are some things that causes tension in my life?
Answer: My future. Why am I in Computer Science? I am suppressing my creative side. My personal passions vs. Maria’s passions.
Then I asked myself the following question:
What has brought me great joy?
My Relationship with Maria Playing guitar, exploring / unleashing musical talent See the result from a piece of my own creative work Enjoying God’s creation with nature (climbing mountains), and taking photography
What would I rather be doing right now?
Married to Maria Serve in a community of artists, worshiping God Able to express my creativity, technologically, musically, and artistically
After that, I went to a seminar about excellence vs. perfectionism.
This seminar resonated with me a lot. I know I struggled with perfectionism before, but I don’t know to what extend. I struggle with perfectionism… a lot… I tend to put more emphasis on the negative portion of a work, instead of seeing the work as a whole, and the positive of it. I tend to see everything as all good or all bad; rarely in between. I tend to be self-conscious about what other thinks of me, comparing myself/my work with others, instead of doing my best for God and God alone. I tend to set unrealistic expectation for myself. All these things can be seen in all different areas of my life. From academics, to workmanship , to playing guitar or drums, to even cooking a meal. I have a standard of doing things, I have a certain level of quality I expect out of my work.
I think that’s part of the reason why I was an ex-engineering major, and now Computer Science major. These are looked as “prestigious” field. Contrary to popular belief that “Asians are born smart”, I work hard to “be smart”. I find my classes right now at the University very challenging, and am struggling to keep up.
People have asked me lately, “So how are you doing?”. My response has been “Just trying to keep my head above water.” In many sense that’s very true. I think the reason behind why I am feeling this way is because of perfectionism. I have an expectation or idea in my head that I’m super-asian-man, that I can do everything! As a result, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work. On top of that, I may not be doing what really fires me up inside. This can lead to having an attitude of fun work versus a chore. I would love to play my guitar more, because it brings joy in my life, but time passes by so fast when I start playing and getting in the groove. And I can’t afford to do that when I got a million other things I got to take care of such as work, school, relationship… When I do play, I notice how much worse I am compare to what I was (due to lack of practice and playing…), which as a result makes me sad and feeling really bad about myself.
This morning seminar had made me more aware of myself, and what I need to do. Just like what Tony (P90x) always said “Do your best, and forget the rest!” That’s what I need to do! Instead of bringing myself down, I need to not worry about these things and just do my best! I need to stop comparing myself to others, to the world’s standard, because all of that does not matter. What matter is doing my best for God! I need to do what I am passionate about and trust that God has a plan for me.
This lead to the million-dollar question of “What am I really passionate about?”
I don’t know if I know how to answer that question. That’s something I need a lot of prayers about, and seeking the Lord to reveal that to me. I feel like God had been slowly throwing jigsaw puzzle pieces at me, and things are starting to make sense…